My Pilgrimage Continues...the search for a Theology

As stated previously, I became a Christian through the efforts of an Aunt and a Para-Church organization called Youth for Christ. The reason I include Youth for Christ is because the Church Youth Director in the previous piece was also a Campus Life leader for YFC. In both instances the effort towards me was strictly evangelical, not doctrinal or theological. Subsequently I, began to look at the various denominational, doctrinal and theological positions around me in an attempt to construct a foundation for my new Faith.

For the first eight years or so the search for a theology was extremely frustrating. Even though I devoured the Scriptures, I simply could not come to a conclusion as to who was right in their interpretation of the Bible. I spent time with Evangelicals, Baptists, Lutherans, Charismatics, you name it. Nothing seemed to satisfy my heart or my mind. When I read books and magazines espousing the different theological and doctrinal points of view, my confusion simply increased. How could I figure it out, armed with my high school diploma, when such learned men and women of GOD couldn't seem to agree on it. It seemed like there were thousands of opinions out there. Well meaning friends and relatives would tell me that I thought too much, that the purity of faith I was seeking was not attainable. Finally, I gave up and in essence put my pilgrimage on hold.

Years passed and then one day I got a call from a friend who I hadn't seen for quite a while. After catching up on things he suggested that I come to work at Youth for Christ in which he was now working full time. Being out of work myself at the time, I agreed. As we began working together our conversations, as they always had, mostly centered around GOD and our relationship with Him. I told him about my frustration in my walk with the LORD and my sense of lacking of any real knowledge of who He was. He suggested a book to me which he thought I might find interesting. The book was called TULIP. While I knew nothing of Calvinism or Reformed theology specifically, I had heard of that radical, fatalist view of predestination over the years. And in the circles in which I moved, none of it had been good.

I didn't read the book right away. I was already reading another book by an author pushing yet another doctrine, Pentecostalism. Now I had already been to the back room and had the hands laid on me years before without any effect. I was told at that time that unless I was willing let go, make that leap of faith, in essence put my brain on hold...I would not be able to receive the Baptism in the Holy Spirit. Reading this new book did nothing to persuade me to seriously reconsider the theology.

I finally decided to begin reading this little book called TULIP, also known as the five points of Calvinism. T = Total Depravity, U = Unconditional Election, L = Limited Atonement, I = Irresistible Grace, P = Perseverance of the Saints.

"T" Total Depravity gave me no problems, or so I thought. After all one only had to look at history or the nightly news to see evidence of man's cruelty(depravity).

"U" Unconditional Election was more difficult, but tolerable when viewed from the perspective of GOD's foreknowledge. Foreknowledge was the argument used by a Youth Director on me years back when I brought up the subject of predestination in a Bible study. He said, GOD looks ahead into the future, sees who will accept the Gospel and then predestines(elects) them based on that foreknowledge. OK, so far, so good I thought. So what's all the fuss been about, nothing terrible, radical or fatalistic here...so far. Even with that said however, I was growing uneasy with my definition of foreknowledge. I was uneasy with the Youth Director's explanation years ago, and I was uneasy with my use of it now. But a book can't hear your definitions or rationalizations and so they went unchallenged, for the moment.

"L" Limited Atonement gave me real problems. No, it brought me to a dead stop. I had never heard this doctrine before in my life. There was no way I could accept that Christ only died for the Elect (Saved). Remember "For GOD so loved the world...", and what about "...GOD desires all men to be saved...". All kinds of verses came to mind, this statement was totally unacceptable, didn't the author read the Bible? However, just like Paul anticipated the readers objections in Romans 9, so did the author of TULIP. The book started to question the reader. Was I willing to say that Christ died in vain? Well no, of course not. But, If His Blood was shed for all and yet some do not believe, then His Blood is shed for nothing in some cases, therefore His death is in vain...OK, OK I got the point. But Limited Atonement, like Unconditional Election, has to be based on GOD's foreknowledge too, right? There, I got around that one. Foreknowledge is great, it will get you around anything! As you might imagine My brain was in overdrive by now, but not just because of the points being made in the book. I was also beginning to think my own arguments through, and they were weak in my estimation. So, I decided to go back to Unconditional Election and in the process also examine my concept of GOD's foreknowledge. This was necessary because certain verse(s) kept coming to mind and giving me major problems:

It begins with Romans 9:11
"...for though the twins were not yet born, and had not anything good or bad, in order that GOD's purpose according to His choice might stand...The older will serve the younger...Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated..."
And ends with Romans 9:23
"...vessels of wrath prepared for destruction...vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory"

As I read and re-read these verses my heart began to sink. I was seeing a different GOD than the one I thought I knew and loved. This was a Sovereign GOD controlling His creation, having mercy who He wanted and hardening who He wanted. This GOD was raising people up for the sole purpose of demonstrating His power in them. Destroying not only the individual, but killing all the first born male children of an entire nation in one case. This was the GOD of the Old Testament that had Israel destroy it's enemies including the women and children, something I always had a hard time understanding. But He's the same GOD, being reaffirmed in the New Testament and I couldn't get away with my perverted foreknowledge concept anymore. Here there was no foreknowledge mentioned anywhere. I realized that GOD's foreknowledge had nothing to do with looking into the future...He's already there...He's omnipresent and omniscient and his foreknowledge is a result of that. GOD's foreknowledge is not an action, it's a state of being. To say GOD looks into the future places Him in space and time; Denying His omnipresence. To say that He sees who will accept or reject the Gospel means He acquires knowledge; Denying His omniscience. The walls were really tumbling down for me now as my concept of foreknowledge was being destroyed. I could no longer soften the implications of these doctrines with the rose colored glasses of foreknowledge. Now these doctrines appeared very radical, and they demanded an answer from me. I had already consented to the Biblical merit of these doctrines and made them palatable with a perverse use of foreknowledge, but now foreknowledge was gone. The moment of truth clearly had arrived for me, and I wasn't sure I could handle it. As they say in sales all my objections had now been overcome, with one exception...

I literally screamed at GOD - IT'S NOT FAIR!! (profanity excluded here)

Words like fatalism, unjust and tyrant starting racing through my head. I wanted out of this, I didn't want to believe in this GOD. But where would I go? Ignorance had indeed been bliss for me. Never having thought these issues through before, meant no action was required on my part. Now I was up against it. With all my arguments destroyed, by Scripture, I was left only with - IT'S NOT FAIR? But it's not fair was important because although intellectually I was convinced; My heart was aching, almost breaking, from the perceived injustice of it all. So convinced, in my heart, of the unfairness of it all I began looking for a way out. I just knew that GOD couldn't be like this. This was the same GOD who had demonstrated his love for me by going to the Cross. The same GOD who blessed me with life giving Faith in 1972. The same GOD who had brought my wife and I together. I was in love with Him...and He was a cold hearted, unjust, monster?

Then a small, very gentle voice inside my head said, "do you know what Fair is"? "What do you mean do I know what fair is?" "I'll put in another way, do you have the capacity to judge fairness?" Next question, "Does depravity affect one's capacity to judge fairness"?

Back to Total Depravity, and did I really understand its depth and ramifications? In a nutshell, no. If you remember from earlier, like most people, I was viewing depravity in a very narrow way. I never considered its impact on our ability to think, reason, or perceive right from wrong. But the Scripture clearly says that the natural man knows not the things of GOD. In the first chapter of Romans it says we literally hate GOD, but I never perceived any hatred in me for GOD even prior to my conversion. At least none that I was aware of. It also depicts the human race in a kind of catch 22 situation. Knowledge of GOD is there but buried under hatred leaving us unwilling and therefore unable to change (repent). In Timothy it says that our will has been taken captive by the devil and GOD must grant repentance in order for us to escape. Remember in Acts, Peter says the first thing required of us in order to be saved is repentance? Man, talk about a no-win situation.

I'm now at the point of seeing that there is no hope for any of us born of the first Adam and getting very angry at Adam & Eve. But wait a minute, I'm a Christian, I am a new creature in Christ, I should be able to judge fairness. Yes you should, but can a Christian continue to think with the natural mind? Well yes, becoming Christ like is a life long process, sanctification doesn't occur overnight. What's the normal process for becoming Christ like? You pray, you read the Bible, you change what GOD shows you to be in need of change by the grace He provides. And might GOD be showing you a major flaw in your Christian character right now? Namely, forcing Him into an image that is comfortable for you to believe, thinking with your natural mind? This was heavy and as I thought this stuff through something began to happen; GOD began growing in my mind, very big, very fast as I began to doubt whether I knew what fair was. As I let loose of my restrictions of who I was willing to let GOD be...He suddenly became immense, literally flashing from east to west, filling everything, I could not take Him in. I kid you not, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and my blood ran cold. I became filled with a sense of dread, wanting to hide myself from His gaze. For the first time in my life I now understood what Peter felt when he realized who Jesus really was and fell down in fear. In almost the same instant though, I saw Mercy for the first time, for what it really was. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I came to the realization that GOD had extended His Mercy to me for no other reason save it pleased Him to do so. I was overwhelmed by the power, majesty and compassion of my LORD like never before in my life. And with that I bowed and subjected myself to Him, the Sovereign GOD. Begging Him to forgive me for my arrogance. That this pot of clay should dare say to his Creator, I don't like the way you have made me.

The rest of TULIP was pretty much a cake walk for me.

"I" Irresistible Grace is the means by which He brought me unto repentance and imparted life giving faith to me. Ever so gently, so sweetly, respecting my dignity and my frailty. As my ears heard the Gospel preached, my heart was softened, my eyes were opened, my spirit was made alive by the Holy Spirit. And behold I became a new creation. There is no violation here, no rape of the soul where the Holy Spirit is concerned, just ever so gentle Irresistible Grace.

"P" Perseverance of the Saints simply says that what God has done, no one can undo. Any other view would render GOD subject to the person or force able to undo His work. Not possible. 1John says if one who was among us goes out from us, it just goes prove they were never really one of us to begin with. People often confuse whether they can ever be sure of their own particular salvation with the guaranteed perseverance of God's Elect. Make sure you know which of these two issues a given verse in the Scriptures is dealing with before you apply it as doctrine.

So, for me, it is no longer a question of whether GOD predestines some unto salvation. Of course he does, for if He did not, none would be saved.

The Pilgrimage continues...in Marriage...in Community

Mark